Warning...this is a long one. I guess you could say that I've always been open to the idea of adoption. That was it, though. Over the past three years we've had a couple friends go through the adoption process and that opened up my eyes. I had no idea how HUGE and how LONG this process was! I knew from conversations with my husband that adoption probably wasn't in our future, however, I wanted to be involved some how. After all, that is what scripture teaches us: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..." James 1:27. Over the past few years, this teaching has been coming up over and over again. With all this, my heart still wasn't broken over it. I had compassion, yes, but it wasn't breaking my heart like it was breaking His.
I'm in a women's Bible study on Friday mornings. This last spring we were doing a study on Nehemiah-A Heart That Can Break by Kelly Minter. The title should have been a warning to me, because that is exactly what happened to mine!!! I can't say enough good things about this study. There was one day that especially got my attention. Session 3 Day 2: Laying Down Our Rights, was the title. Here is a quote from that day that started to break my heart for the orphans of this world.
"Our rights don't get to be god, our privileges are never the final word. Even if we deserve what's coming to us, if the end result is not the love of God and the love of others, what lies inside the lines of permissible is no longer beneficial. This is gospel living, as opposed to a life driven by getting whatever is rightfully ours." Kelly Minter
Inside, I thought I had earned the right to have some "my" time. That our plates were full raising 4 kids. I wanted to get to a spot where I was comfortable and rested! And after reading this it hit me, He doesn't call us to comfort, to be rested at all times, to make life as easy as possible once you're a certain age or have however many kids. He calls us to be uncomfortable, to be sold out...spent. I sat in church this last Sunday and sang the words to this song:
"Love so amazing, so divine. Demands my soul, my life, my ALL.....Oh the wonderful cross, oh the wonderful cross, bids me come and die and find that I may truly live..."
He demands ALL of me....I don't get to decide when I've done enough....and like that song says, if I'm obedient to His calling and give my ALL, I'm going to be blessed by Him...I'm going to "truly live"! So, sometime in the spring, my heart started changing. But that was me, not my husband. I never talked to him about it because I was pretty sure I knew where he stood. Throughout the rest of the study, my heart kept aching over these children. At night, before going to bed, I would go up and look and pray over my kiddos. With each one, all I could think about was how children out there will never be loved, held, prayed over, cherished, tickled, kissed, hugged and the list goes on and on. My heart was burdened and I didn't know what to do about it.
Around this same time, an old high school friend of mine partnered with an organization called SowingRoots (to learn more about them go to http://www.sowingroots.org/). Their organization is set up to love and care for orphans. I thought that this was something that I would love to get involved in. I told my husband about them and that I wanted to help promote their organization and help any way that I could. He supported me in this. They had a kick off fundraiser coming up in May. My husband and I, as well as some good friends decided we would go to it! Even being involved in small ways, it wasn't helping my heart with this burden that was weighing heavily. I honestly have never experienced anything like it. I guess you could say that He had broken my heart for the orphans of this world. It was a horrible feeling knowing I wasn't able to do anything about it. The event for SowingRoots approached. I was telling my husband one day how I felt over the phone, his words to me were, "I will support others in their adoption or however else I can financially, but I flat out don't want to adopt". There was no convincing him. All I had left to do was pray (which I probably should have done in the first place). So, the day before the event, I started praying that if adoption was something that God wanted for our family, he needed to change my husbands heart.
The next evening, we all went to SowingRoots kick off fundraiser. There were two speakers and both were really good....it fueled my passion for these kids even more. I didn't want to bring it up with my husband. I figured if he had any changed feelings about it, he would let me know. He brought it up some and by the end of the weekend he was more open to it. He left on another trip and I continued to pray about it for the next few days. Little did I know that God was working on him in his quiet times. We continued talking about it. After five or so days of praying and seeking God, our hearts were united! I remember getting off the phone with my husband and tears just started to pour down my face because I had just seen the work of God in such a mighty way. We had both said, "Yes"! For the next couple of days I think we were both in shock.
God is way bigger than I ever give Him credit for. He amazes me time and time again and I am so glad He does. I am beyond excited to walk down this road of adoption. I can't tell you how excited I am to see my next child's face. What a day that will be. What an awesome picture of how God feels towards each and everyone He has created. We are coming for you "Bramlett of My Heart"! I love you so much already! I can't wait to hold you in my arms!